What is there to celebrate on Father’s Day when you aren’t (yet!) a father? Good question.

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day – along with every other holiday, baby shower, pregnancy announcement, etc. – are perpetual thorns to the hearts of those battling infertility and running the IVF gauntlet.

Celebrating (another) Father’s Day In the Midst of Infertility

So, what is the best way to celebrate Father’s Day for the fatherless and those so deeply desiring to have a baby? That all depends. In our experience working with infertile couples, the conditions may be the same but the ways they are processed and experienced can be entirely different. We find that open, honest and connected communication is always the best way forward.

With that in mind, here are some of the ways you might consider celebrating Father’s Day during IVF or other fertility treatments that serve as painful reminders of everything you desire, but don’t yet have.

Ask him – What do you want to do for Father’s Day?

For many families, the Father’s Day agenda is already decided and has remained the same for years –particularly true for couples who have been together for many years. This can be very stressful for infertile couples because if/when holidays are a trigger, you feel as if you’re in a roller coaster car that you can’t get out of – forced along the track regardless of your feelings.

In fact, you DO have the right to get out of the car when needed. Is this one of those times for your mate? Perhaps he wants to do something entirely different this year. Maybe he wants to skip the whole ride, or maybe he only wants to go once around the track and then head elsewhere.

Let him know you have his back and that you’ll support whatever he wants to do, regardless of how it makes other family members feel – and that you’ll field the phone calls and texts for him.

Offer him time alone

We hate to stereotype, but some stereotypes are alive for a reason. In most cases, men in emotional pain need to retreat to process their wounds. This might be one of those times. Offer a chance to be alone, whether that is for a portion of the day or a whole day. He might want the morning or evening to run, bike, play racquetball or get together with his single friends – or he might need to plan a weekend camping trip with his buddies.

Honor that need in the same way he’s honored your needs to be held as you cry, screamed wailed or raged against the diagnosis that has caused you so much pain. Skipping the family scene today may be as critical to him as skipping a family event or Mother’s Day was for you a while back…

A little alone time might be just what he needs to avoid the pressures of a Father’s Day reminder.

Make it a couples day

Unless someone else in your immediate family has battled infertility, odds are people don’t really get how difficult it is to have these annual reminders of your baby-less lives. They mean well, but they simply can’t know what it’s like if they haven’t walked the walk.

Instead of celebrating yet another Father’s Day, why not step out of the routine as a couple and do something for yourselves instead? Goodness knows romance is fleeing in the midst of hormone injections, the poking and prodding of fertility-related tests and treatments and the fact that every waking minute seems dedicated to getting pregnant.

Take a day – or the weekend – and make it an IVF, fertility treatment-free zone. Celebrate the romance, do something fun, reconnect yourselves in the ways you used to before pregnancy was your Number 1 goal in life. Remind him of all the reasons why you love him – and why you want him to be the father of your child – regardless of when that child arrives.

Celebrate Father’s Day with gusto

Couples who pursue IVF and other fertility treatments already live as parents in their minds and hearts. They’ve changed their diet and lifestyle habits, they make sure to get enough sleep and they can already feel their baby in their arms. In this way – your partner’s inner-Father may already be developed, and there’s nothing wrong with celebrating this.

Maybe, this year, you can begin to create the Father’s Day traditions that you plan to keep within your nuclear family unit once baby arrives. Then, choose to participate in the traditional events hosted by either side of your families as you see fit. Honoring the father inside your husband or partner is another way of manifesting the child you know is waiting for you down the road.

Maybe this year, it’s time to celebrate Father’s-to-Be Day…

 

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